a prison for my soul

Well, I've never really written this out before. This is my life story...or at least part of it, but a big part of it. I've written out the part when I began my journey with Christ, but never a part before that. This is part of my life that really stung my soul. It left a deep stinging wound that is still today being healed by my Lord and Saviour.

Here goes.

I love music. Growing up I've never been excited about anything except music. I always loved band and when I got into drum corps I was really stoked. Playing the drums was the only thing I felt completely confident in doing. The only other thing I felt some confidence in doing was working with computers. After graduating from high school, I went to college and was a music major. I was stoked. The time was coming when I would be transferring to a university. The catch was that I had to audition for acceptance into the School of Music. Well, I auditioned and got a response I didn't expect. I was not accepted. Not just once though. I auditioned a total of 3 times at the same place and each time I was not accepted! I auditioned a fourth time at another place and STILL did not get accepted. This was just it. I was wounded. At this point I didn't know what I was going to do. I ended up becoming a Psychology major and got a BS degree from Central Michigan University. Then I got a job at the same place my dad works.

Now, here's where I get real. After I began my journey with Christ I have been slowly discovering my true identity. I've learned who God is and in doing so I'm learning who I am. I've learned that music is truly at the core of my identity. I have a divine passion for music that transcends space and time. This passion could only come from my Creator. So, why do I not have a career in music?

I currently play the baritone saxophone with the Southshore Concert Band, a community concert band of amateur musicians from all walks of life. I work with a records department within an engineering group of Robert Bosch, LLC. My job is not truly me. In other words, the work I do Monday through Friday for eight hours a day is not what I believe God created me for. Sure I do the best I can at it, and this is because it is the right thing to do. Still, I do not get to be who I truly am. I feel as though I have to put on a mask...the mask of professionalism. I simply pretend to be what I suppose the company expects me to be. The only time I feel real and genuine is when I'm playing with the Southshore Concert Band. Whether I'm playing the bari sax or the drums, I get to be what God created me to be.

While God created me for music, I feel this world simply won't allow me to be all of that. At least not as a paying career. I wish I could drop everything and go back to school and pursue that career, this time with God leading the way. Or even play with Blue Man Group. Alas, I just can't do that. I'm in a stage of life where I have higher priorities. I have a wife now. I have her to think about. My wife and I want to have at least one child. So yeah, higher priorities. Unless God puts the right people in my life to help move me towards that kind of occupation, it just won't happen. Plus, since God doesn't thwart our free-will those who are in positions who decide which people get hired or not can freely decide to say 'no' to me.

The way I figure it, unless God shows up and says otherwise, I will never be all that God created me to be in this world. I will after He comes back or calls me home, but not now. I'll keep playing with the Southshore Band for as long as I can, so that will count for something. I just wish I can be that all the time. Oh well. I suppose I can simply play my sax at home (practice) more. God only knows for sure what will happen next.